Ranger Report: Eggspress Delivery
Posted: Tue Aug 25, 2015 1:35 am
Ranger Report: Eggspress Delivery!
Eggspress Delivery!
Wolfwood yelped as he accidentally slammed the Oven's door closed into his fingers. The heavy plate oven gloves he wore prevented any real damage, but yet another score-line joined several others.
He hurried out of The Kitchen in a kind of high-speed half-waddle, carrying a large steaming sack, and ran down the corridor towards the Portal chambers.
"Oof! Oi! Watch where ye goin' y' pikin' eejit!" Reylar yelled as the crimson-clad orc barrelled past him, narrowly avoiding a messy collision.
"Sowwy! In rush!" Wolfwood yelled back without stopping.
Upon reaching the Portal chambers, he made a bee-line for one of the many archways, thumped a few runes while balancing the sack over his shoulder and hopped into the swirling vortex that appeared a few minutes later.
Druppi's Demented Dragon
"So I tells the drow to sod off, and he walks right past me!" Andy Lane, one of the guards of Benzor's East Gate complained to his colleague Grag.
Before Grag could answer, there was a 'wop' sound, followed by the sound of someone falling through several trees while cursing loudly.
"What in Serena's name...?" Andy stared, startled. The two of them quickly ran to investigate the small copse of trees just outside the Benzor gates, where they discovered a pile of red armour, inside of which was a stunned and mildly disoriented orc.
"Fankz..." it said as the two of them fished him out.
"Wolfwood? Bah, not you again! Can't you use the temple portal like everyone else?!" Andy groused.
"Naww... 's dangeruz dat wun! Dey put it in wrong... 's upside down!" Wolfwood replied distractedly, checking that none of his stuff was missing.
Andy shook his head with exasperation as the distracted orc dusted himself off and ambled vaguely in the direction of the Benzor River Valley.
-----
As Wolfwood neared the small bridge near the Fletcher's camp, he ran into a small gathering where a young halfling was apparently trying to solicit some sort of help.
"... She is a nice dragon, but like I said, she won't come easily, so you have to be cunning." the halfling, who's name was Druppi Sapplefies, was saying.
Among the group were several orcs, one of which was hanging some sort of spouted pot over a fire. Wolfwood approached them as the others talked with Druppi about his missing dragon.
One of them offered him a mug of some boiled liquid. Wolfwood offered some of his gourmet food in return and turned his attention back to the halfling and the other talkers.
"Where'd you last see her, what does she look like, and what's her name?", asked one of them, Gorfin Be'fer in a matter-of-fact tone.
"Is there a treat or something that she enjoys?" added a halfling standing near him, Sedge Hopscotch.
"Well, she likes food." Druppi suggested vaguely, "She should be just north somewhere."
"Food?? I gotz food!" Wolfwood said to no one in particular. The other orcs looked at him with interest.
One of the group asked what the reward, presumably for finding the dragon mentioned, was.
"Uhm... a thank you?" Druppi replied uncertainly.
The woman, Nathe, gave him a cold look.
Druppi dug through his pockets, "Uh... Well... All I have is 129 gold pieces... that's all I have, but if that can get her back..." he finished with a small sob.
"We don't require payment to find her." Gorfin cut in, returning Nathe her cold look.
"Not?" echoed Druppi.
"Aye - keep your money." confirmed Gorfin.
"That is very very veryveryvery kind, sir!" cried Druppi with relief.
Nathe muttered something under her breath.
"Have you never done anything for the good of it, Nathe?" retorted Gorfin.
Nathe took on a thoughtful look for a second, the shrugged, "I don't believe in the goodness of others. What can I say?"
One of the orc brothers, sporting the uncharacteristically long name of Fatofsan Kag'Barshenat, got up slowly, "Uz have timez fo hobbitbuznizz?" he asked irritably.
"We've got time." Gorfin assured him.
"Thanksthanks!" Drupi gushed, hopping up and down with relief, "Sooooooo, aren't you suppose to be moving?" he added after a few moments of inactivity.
"Dazza a good idea." the other orc, Fatoft Kag'Barshenat added with a mixture of sarcasm and impatience, leaning on his axe.
"Your dragonfly won't flee." Nathe retorted, "We have time." she echoed with a malicious grin.
"Hoo leeding diz hog'n'coney show anywayz?" Wolfwoof piped in.
"We are not all part of the same group..." Sedge observed.
"Dere be a perty 'ere?" yelled a guttural voice in excitement. The newcomer's name was Novgor, another orc!
Wolfwood beamed, "Well we got foor orcz! 'nuff ferra good WAAGH!"
"Werez uz bring da draggy den hmm?" Fatofsan asked gruffly.
"Back to me of course!" Druppi replied with a curious look, "I'll be waiting here... because... uhm... well, it's getting darker, and I uhm..."
"Wait. You're not going to join us?" Nathe asked dangerously.
"Well, I have to stay here and uhm.... take care of the fire." Druppi shrugged lamely.
"Sissy." Nathe hissed.
"C'mon yooz lot!" Wolfwood bellowed impatiently, "Oi yooz," he said, poking Fatoft, "Yooz iz leeda?"
Fatoft shrugged, "Me gez so."
"Awight! Den get too da leedin'! WAAAGH!"
"We better get paid." Nathe said warningly to Druppi as she turned to leave.
"I said you could have my money!" Druppi replied with a sob.
"Just think of the stories we can tell about finding a dragon. Worth much more then petty gold." Gorfin pointed out.
"Stories won't pay my bills." retorted Nathe.
"Dun worry li'l halfin'! We getz draggy back!" Wolfwood declared as he pushed through the forest leading north to the Benzor Hunting Woods.
"Lez git lookin den okayz?" Fatofsan looked back at the others, before following Wolfwood and Fatoft into the forest.
"Could we please be going now and stop wasting time?" Thrar Gren grumbled.
After some confusion, the considerable momentum provided by the orcs eventually got the party moving north into the woods.
-----
Lucille Dalley and Hawkwind were taking a pleasant stroll through the forest, taking in the tranquil surroundings. They arrived at a small clearing, and were deciding which direction to had next when the calm of the forest was shattered in a small explosion of leaves and twigs as a small platoon of orcs burst into the clearing!
"Oi yooz! Seen draggy?" one of them yelled as they ran past without waiting for an answer.
The two of them stared, bewildered frowns, at the retreating orcs as they trampled their way out of the clearing when another voice made them turn around.
"How sorry we are to disturb you two." Nathe said sarcastically as she strolled through the tangled hole the orcs had left leading to the clearing.
"Hmm..." Hawkwind muttered warily.
"Uh, no worries... we were just hunting badgers..." Lucille attempted to explain, feeling inexplicably off-balance.
Nathe chuckled condescendingly, "Of course you were hunting badgers... Barehanded..."
Hawkwind glared at her irritably, "All these people for one dragon?" he retorted.
"BAJAA!" came a yell from the distance, followed by some squeals and splatting noises.
Gorfin shook his head with a tinge of despair and directed the group to catch up with the orcs. Quickly.
-----
"Cor! Izzat da draggy?" Novgor yelled to his fellows.
"DRAGGY? WHEREZ?!" Wolfwood yelled back, running up to him and looking round.
Novgor pointed at the small flitting creature hovering around a small sapling.
Fatoft squinted at the creature, "Too tiny vor be draggy, no?"
Fatofsan Kag'Barshenat agreed, "Yep."
"Bah!" Wolfwood muttered with disgust, "Daz no draggy, daz da teefing fairee! Dun let it teef nunna ya stuff!" he added in a stage whisper to Novgor.
The search degenerated rather rapidly, and soon the party was scattered randomly around the Benzor Hunting Woods.
"OI! WAITUPZ!!" Wolfwood yelled as he lost sight of the last of the party, "Where everywun goez?!" he groused to himself.
Eventually he caught up with the bulk of them. They were standing round several rather sorry-looking bears.
"Where draggy? Me not see nuffink 'scept beerz..." Wolfwood pointed out.
"It's probably around here. Most common of hiding places in these parts." Thrar Gren said in a disinterested tone.
"Oi, 'z any uv yooz a rain-jar?" Wolfwood asked suddenly. The others just looked at him oddly.
"Wot, nunna yooz izza rain-jar??" Wolfwood exclaimed.
"Uh... well... me not have jar vor rain..." Fatoft said slowly, "But yooz can yooz me 'elmet if yoo want..."
"Wot rain-jar? Wot wee need izza trackar!" Fatosfsan pointed out sagely.
"Lets try something else," suggested Nathe, "Now, if you were an annoying, bloody, little fairy dragon, where would you go? Ask yourself that question..."
"I'd do the world a pleasure and would kill myself in a corner." Thrar said sullenly.
Fatofsan, bored of all the talk, ambled off with everyone following him by default. After aggressively and proactively 'defending' themselves from the local bear population, they arrived at another clearing. By now the skies had darkened, but still there was no sign of any dragon.
"Perchance if we cooked some food, the dragon will smell it and come to us?" Gorfin suggested as they considered camping in the clearing until daybreak.
"Maybe." Nathe yawned, "Speaking of food..." she added, her stomach making a low growl.
"Yes, we could have a bite ourselves..." agreed Sedge.
"Dragon is quite tasty." Thrar snickered.
Nathe threw Thrar a disgusted look, "I'm not thinking of eating a dragon..."
"Mez try Durell draggy onze," Fatoft declared as he began building a camp fire, "Tazte yuck."
Fatofsan pulled a tripod of sticks out of his pack and arranged it over the fire, hanging his kettle under it as Fatoft called, "Draggy!!! Herez draggy draggiez!"
"No, we're not eating the dragon, silly!" Gorfin explained tiredly.
"We are nicely returning it because Gorfin says so." Nathe muttered sullenly.
"Whutz wong wit dvagon meetz?" Novgor asked.
"Tazte yuzk." Fatoft repeated.
"We were told she likes food, and I'm sure she has keen senses." Gorfin thought out loud as the orcs built up the fire.
Soon they had a good roast going from some of the bears they'd gotten earlier, suspended beneath Fatofsan's ingenious tripod device. Under the make-shift spit were several blackened coal like objects. Several of them were steaming gently, releasing a... curious... odor.
"Herez draggy draggy!" Fatoftsan called into the night.
"Anywun want sum?" Wolfwood asked the rest of the group as he plucked out some more of his prize produce and placed them around the edges of the fire, "Dey iz much tazty!"
"What ARE they??" Nathe frowned.
"Meat Suhprizez!"
"Meat?" Nathe frowned even more.
Wolfwood 'Hmph'ed to himself, seeing her expression, "Nudda wun uv dem weirdo 'air-diet' wunz I bet." he muttered quietly.
While he was waiting for his tea kettle to boil, Fatofsan's nose suddenly twitched. He looked up at the other entrance to the clearing, "Well look wot we got 'ere!" he hissed.
Looking at them cautiously was an electric-blue pseudo dragon. More correctly, it was looking at the meat roasting on the fire, its nose twitching at the scent.
"Cor!! 'sa li'l draggy!" Wolfwood exclaimed, standing up.
"Dun juz stand dere!!" Fatofsan yelled, and immediately the clearing exploded into a flurry of activity. People tripped over each other as they scrambled to their feet and ran at the dragon.
With a startled hiss, the dragon turned tail and sped off into the night!
"There it goes..." Sedge noted with a sigh.
The rest of them sprinted after the dragon, armour clanking alarmingly.
"Here li'l draggy!!" Wolfwood yelled, waving a Meat Surprise around as he failed miserable to keep up with the others.
After flying out into the more open areas of the Benzor Hunting Wood, the dragon suddenly swerved left behind a particularly dense section of forest. Although none of them realised it, the blue dragon had led them to a large cluster of trees, and was now leading the party on a merry chase in circles around the large group of trees!
After about 5 laps, Wolfwood stopped his pursuit. He leaned forward, hands on his knees as he wheezily tried to get his breath back.
-----
The dragon looked back at it's foolish pursuers, snickering as it turned to begin it's 6th lap when *BOINK*.
"WAGH!"
The stunned dragon's serpentine neck waved around a little before it shook its head to clear the cobwebs. Quickly regaining its bearings, it searched for the object it'd collided with. Sitting in front of it was a crimson-clad orc, rubbing its head. Bits of Meat Surprise were scattered on and around him along with a half opened sack.
The dragon looked around gleefully and darted for one of the larger pieces.
After a cursory examination, it snapped the coal-like lump into the air and caught it, crunching it down triumphantly.
"Dere it iz!"
The rest of the party, led by Fatofsan, had finally caught up and quickly spied the miniature dragon.
It whipped it's head round to see what the noise was, and hissed at them again before beating its wings to take off.
However, Fatofsan was quick this time and managed to grab the base of its tail!
"I gotz it!!", he roared triumphantly, but his victory was short-lived...
Despite his bulk, the dragon somehow managed to continue flying and Fatofsan found himself being dragged along behind it!! He refused to let go and held on for dear life, but with glee the dragon began thwapping him in the face repeatedly with the free end of its tail until he was forced to let go!
With a roar, Fatofsan ran blindly into an old sturdy oak tree, their meeting heralded by a loud thud and a shower of leaves and angry squirrels.
Nathe rolled her eyes and stepped past the mildly stunned orc, holding out her hands as she approached the dragon.
"Shhhh..." she whispered soothingly, moving toward the dragon slowly.
"Great we found it, now can we take it back?" Thrar stamped impatiently.
Nathe flashed him a rude gesture, then resumed her attempts to coax the dragon closer. It looked at her dubiously.
Suddenly it squeaked, happily?, and darted past Nathe!
Sedge and Gorfin, who had been laboriously dragging Wolfwood from where he'd been knocked over, dropped the grumbling orc and dived out of the way as the pseudo dragon landed on Wolfwood's back and started pecking at the fragments of half-cooked Meat Surprise that were stuck all over his full-plate apron!
*dink!* *dink!* *dink!*
"Awg! Iz peckin' me!!" yelled Wolfwood. He rolled over, but the dragon hopped into the air and landed on his chest. With another squeal of glee, it began pecking at the fresh serving of Meat Surprise fragments now exposed!
Nathe looked at the two of them, throwing her arms up with an exasperated sigh.
"Huz uz know thiz be right draggy?" Novgor asked, as Wolfwood struggled to his feet and started flailing at the dragon, which snapped at the remaining bits of Meat Surprises in between dodging his clumsy swings.
"Corz it be right draggy!! Wot uva draggy dere beez??!" Wolfwood yelled back.
"Youz come wiv uz now!" Fatofsan ordered the dragon, warily keeping his distance this time.
"Well, I've got plenty of rations on me, so maybe I can lead a trail back to her master..." Gorfin suggested, regarding the orc in his loosing battle with the dragon, "Unless she'll follow us anyway."
"Lez go... draggy iz ztill hungry now!" Fatofsan said impatiently.
"Awwwg! Shuddupz an' stoppit frum peckin' meee!" Wolfwood yelled at them. The dragon was now perched on his head, happily pecking away at his helmet and shoulders. The massive plates that protected Wolfwood's torso and shoulders from the heat and exploding ovens of his kitchen made it very difficult for him to reach up to swat at the dragon.
Nathe sighed again, "Your master is searching you." she called to the dragon on a bored tone.
"We have to bring you back." Thrar added unnecessarily.
The dragon stopped pecking at Wolfwood and looked lazily at Nathe.
"So you'll have to follow us." Nathe added, giving the dragon a concentrated stare.
The dragon tilted its head to one side and eyed her suspiciously but didn't move.
"Just keep moving, Kazarn, back to the flats." Gorfin said slowly.
Wolfwood gingerly took a step, and the dragon remained attached to his helmet.
The group slowly began moving back towards the Flats, then all of a sudden Fatofsan rushed Wolfwood and the dragon!
"AHA!" he cried triumphantly as he made another grab at the dragon!
This time he wrapped it's arms round it so it couldn't fly away, but with an angry squeak the dragon exhaled a storm of ionising plasma right into Fatofsan's face, breaking free easily in the confusion and flying off again!
"Oi! Stop dat! Yooz eejitz!" Wolfwood yelled, bashing Fatofsan over the head with his number 2 meat mallet, "Bah! Yooz lot iz fick! Stop chasin' da draggy!"
"Draggy gittink ztezz diz way!" Fatoft yelled, chasing after it.
"We almost had her, but Kazarn blew it." Gorfin groused with disgust.
"MEE?!" Wolfwood yelled incredulously.
They ran after the dragon anyway, and eventually managed to corner it at the base of a small hillock.
"May I?" Gorfin asked Wolfwood, keeping one eye on the dragon.
Wolfwood shrugged and gave Gorfin one of his many food sacks.
Gorfin gingerly took a step forwards, never taking his eyes off the hissing dragon, and emptied the sack onto the ground.
"WAGH! Wayazdooin?!" Wolfwood exclaimed in horror and lurched forwards. Fatoft and Fatofsan managed to grab each of his arms and pulled him back forcefully.
The dragon immediately stopped hissing, and sniffed at the offering. With a delighted squeak it hopped over and nudged one of them. It was about to eat it when the Pixie they'd seen earlier swooped out of nowhere and grabbed it!
The dragon hissed angrily, taking a pot-shot with its lightning breath but the fairy managed to skittle out of the way!
"Oi! Demz not for yooz!" Wolfwood yelled angrily, catching the fairy after it dodged, as it struggled to gain altitude while holding the heavy charred lump of meat. Holding it by its wings, Wolfwood gave it a good kick and sent it sailing off into the tree canopy, "Food feef!!"
"Oi, gimme summa dem." Fatoft nudged Wolfwood. Wolfwood handed another sack over.
Fatoft waved it in the air, and the dragon, having already finished the other set, flew up and landed on Fatoft's shoulder, greedily snatching the lump from his hand.
"Lead her slowly to the flats - keep feeding her." Gorfin said tightly.
"And I thought dragon-fairies were intelligent creatures... all they care about is food." Nathe mumbled with disgust as they slowly made their way back to the Benzor Flats, trailing coal-like crumbs, high pitched squeals and loud crunching sounds.
-----
"There you are!!" Druppi Sapplefies exclaimed as the party emerged from the woods.
"Uz vind draggy." Fatoft said, indicating the noticeably fatter dragon perched on his broad shoulders.
"Yep." Fatofsan confirmed, keeping a minimum distance from it, his features still twitching a little from the lightning bolt he'd caught in the face.
Fatoft gently lifted the full and sleepy dragon off his shoulder and gently handed it to Druppi.
"Thanks!" Druppi cried happily. His nose twitched, "But what's that smell? Phew..."
The dragon gave Druppi a friendly peck, then yawned and hopped onto the ground.
Nathe took the opportunity to step boldly up to the halfling as he patted his reunited companion, "The 129 gold pieces." she demanded, holding out her hand.
Gorfin pushed her hand away quickly, "Excuse my companion," he said hurriedly, throwing Nathe a glare, "Fair tidings to you!"
Druppi looked to both of them, a little worriedly, "Uh... thanks!". He then turned back to his dragon, "Let's go!" he said to it, and the two of them headed back to Benzor.
Nathe gave Gorfin a furious glare, then stomped off to the East.
"Now don't you feel nice and warm inside, Nathe?" Gorfin asked.
"All I can feel is coldness." she retorted bitterly.
"Aww, well havzum of deez! Dey'll keep yooz warm!" Wolfwood said happily, offering Nathe a sack of Meat Surprises. She threw her hands up in exasperation again and stormed off.
"Wow...two adventures in one...!" Sedge muttered to himself, but little did he know...
Barmy Bandits
"Wot yooz lot doin' anywayz?" Wolfwood asked his fellow orcs as the party moved East.
"We deelivarin' deez eggz ta Brozna!" Fatoft said, taking a heavily padded bundle out of his pack and showing it to Wolfwood.
"Wot kinda eggz iz dey? Eatable wunz?"
"Dunno."
As they neared Richard Uther's tavern, the 'Badger, Wolfwood spotted some people he recognised gathered outside.
"Hullowz Bloo!" he called, waving.
Blue looked up, "Hello..." she said warily. She eyed the orc, a list of excuses immediately springing into her mind should he try and sell her any more of those infernal Meat Surprises!
"Hello!" a young girl cried, skipping up to the group.
"Ooooh, hullowz Arty-miss!" Wolfwood replied with a toothy grin.
"Hullo Kaza-miss!", the girl, Artamis Genereth giggled.
"Me not miss! Me orc!" Wolfwood corrected her, "Yooz hungree yet? Me still got sum Meat Suhprizez!" he beamed.
"EEW! GROSS!!" Artamis shrieked, she covered her mouth, "Ooh I'm sorry... I didn't mean... uh..." she thought hard, "Um, I'm on a diet!"
"C'mon! Lez goez!" Fatofsan said impatiently.
"Ya... We see yooz layta Bloo-an-arty-miss!" Wolfwood waved.
"Wait!" Atramis called back, "Where are you going?"
"We on deelivaree! We take egg fingz to Brozna!"
"Uz get pay all large amount goldiez iv deliver in pieze!" Fatoft added.
"So I could buy like, diamonds?" the girl asked, her eyes sparkling.
"Uh... maybe..." Fatoft said, shutting one eye and rolling the other up as he tried to think.
"WOW! Can I come? Pretty please?" Artamis said, giving them her most charming smile, which of course had no effect on the orcs what-so ever.
"I can't see why the elf-kid can't come." Nathe shrugged nonchalantly.
"Me not care, lez go before eggz goez!" Fatoft grunted.
"Onwaaaasaaaz.... MARCHEZ!" Wolfwood hollered, and the group moved off, now with Artemis and her friend Ilmig in tow.
-----
The journey through to the River Valley was fairly uneventful, but once there the usual goblin raiders attacked the party once or twice. They were no match for the crazy elf children, never mind the fighters and orcs.
As they neared the bridge that spanned the Benzor River however, there was an unexpected encounter...
"Hahaha!"
"What was that??" Ilmig exclaimed at the unseen voice. As he looked round, and man clad in velvet black appeared, seemingly out of nowhere, and brandished a dagger, "Walked straight into our trap! Tott!"
The party paused expectantly.
"Tott?" the man called again, "TOTT??"
Eventually, another similarly clad woman appeared too, blinking, "Yes yes, I'm here Knoll! Ahh, our trap worked?"
"Yes, our trap worked!" the man known as Knoll confirmed triumphantly.
"We have them good now, eh!" Tott grinned.
"Yeah! Now," he said, turning to look back at them, "Just give us your money, and we will let you go."
"Aye! Give us your cash and no one will get harmed!" Tott confirmed, waving her dagger about dangerously.
The party looked at each other, then back at the two would-be muggers.
Nathe started sniggering, while Wolfwood was trying to make a head count.
Sedge snickered, "The mean looking one has all the money." he managed to guffaw, indicating Fatofsan.
Fatofsan gave them a maliciously toothy grin.
"The mean looking...?" Knoll furrowed his brow.
"How about this -- Just give us *your* money, and we'll let you live." suggested Gorfin.
"I could take both of ya on!" Ilmig said pluckily.
"Ilmig, our hero!!" Artamis swooned.
"Now lay off!" Ilmig finished, throwing Artamis a winning smile.
Tott 'hrmphed', "Go away you tiny little rat." she said disdainfully.
Artamis ran up to her, "Don't call him that! Take it back!!" she shrieked and kicked Tott in the shin.
"OW!!" Tott hopped on one leg, holding her bruised shin, "Little damned... OW! OWOWOWOW!!!"
Tott clutched both her shins as Ilmig stepped back, he and Artamis both having a smug grin on their faces.
"Look, we are the most dangerous thieves in the land, so cough it up! I'll kill the fat red one if you don't give us your money!" Knoll insisted, pointing at Wolfwood with his dagger.
"MEE?! Wot me dun?!?? Me juz da chef!!" Wolfwood protested.
"He's the chief? Even better!" Tott cackled.
"NAW! I sed CHEF! And I ain't fat eeva!"
"Yes... when he is dead, they will understand!" Knoll cackled with certainty, "Let us get the fat one, Tott, show them what we can do!"
"Say your last words!!" said Tott, twirling her dagger.
"GET HIM!!"
"WAAGH! HELPZ!" Wolfwood yelled as the two of them jumped on him. Knoll's dagger didn't pierce the thick apron, but Wolfwood fell over and knocked himself out. Again.
"Oi!" Novgor yelled, "Youz no attack 'im!"
Knoll laughed, "NOW you see how dangerous we are!"
"Yeah, so pay up!" Tott added.
The others got into a sparring of words with the two would-be robbers.
Gorfin nudged Wolfwood with his boot, "Alright Kazarn, stop playing dead -- we have things to do." He said warily.
After several nudges, the orc stirred, "Oi! Stop dat! I iz suppozed to be ded! Diz how yooz treet ded hummiez?? Daz diz-crimmy-nation dat iz!" Wolfwood hissed back at him.
-----
"Hmph, I see you're still not convinced." Knoll said angrily, "Tott... who is next to die?"
"Oh I don't know! I'm hungry... any one of them will do, it hardly matters now!" Tott retorted sullenly.
"Amateurs..." Thrar muttered under his breath.
"Hungry?" Knoll asked, lowering his dagger, "Oh... well... Maybe we should get something to eat instead?"
"Yea...I think we deserve a lunch break..." Tott agreed.
The others just stared at them.
Behind them, Wolfwood twitched, then somehow went from being prone to standing fully upright!
"Did me heer sumwun say dey iz HUNGREE??" he cried delightedly.
"Them! It was them!!!" Artamis shrieked, pointing an accusing finger at Knoll and Tott with a panicky look.
Wolfwood beamed widely, "Well diz yooz lukky day! I got slap up deel for yooz!" he said, giving them a two-eyed wink.
The others groaned and backed away.
"Aye?" Tott asked, her curiosity piqued.
"Yup! For da low low prize uv 1 gold bit, yooz can buy a Meat Suhprize! It da bestezt gore-may food yooz eva tazted, will keep yooz full for aaagez! An' today I got speshul.. a free for sum offa! Ain't datta good deel?"
"Uh... yes... I think so..." Knoll managed, taken aback by Wolfwood's sales pitch.
"Sounds wonderful!" Tott said delightedly, "I'll have three!"
"Uh... so will I then!" Knoll added quickly.
Wolfwood handed over a sack each.
"Hm... what kind of food is this anyway?" Knoll asked warily, giving his bag an experimental sniff.
Thrar laughed bitterly, "Not the kind of food you want to tast-OW!"
Nathe stamped on his foot, "-waste!" she corrected, giving Tott and Knoll a sweet smile.
"Let us go and have a ale in the badger, Tott." Knoll said, looking at his new prize with anticipation, and with that the two of them stuck west.
"Nudda satisfied cuztomaz!" Wolfwood said contentedly.
"Riigght... can we go now before they come back asking for refunds?" Nathe retorted, rolling her eyes.
"I hope they choke. Worst attempt at robbery ever!" groused Thrar as they resumed their journey.
Trolling for Food
With the bandits 'paid off', the party crossed the bridge and made their way towards the other side of the valley.
After some minor skirmishes with the local orc tribe, they began to climb the gentle slope that led toward the Eastern March. About half-way up, they heard a piercing scream!
Further up the hill, there was a young girl, her back against a large menhir/standing stone, and towering over here was a slimy green troll!
"Lets go!" Sedge yelled and the party ran up to encircle the two of them.
-----
"Issa TROLL!" Wolfwood observed unnecessarily.
Artamis grabbed Ilmig and hid behind him, "I'm scared!" she wailed petulantly.
Ilmig gave her a winning smile, "I'll sort this out!". He stepped boldly up to the troll and tapped it on its shoulder. Or at least he would have if he was taller. Instead he settled for tapping it on the back of it's leg.
"Now then, no use struggling! Just prep... what? Yes?" the troll, caught by surprise, turned to look at who, or what, was tapping on his leg.
Ilmig cleared his throat, "Can you not be so scary?"
Gorfin rolled his eyes, "Is this troll bothering you, m'lady?" he asked politely.
The girl, who's name turned out to be Miriam, looked at him incredulously, "He is going to eat me!" she screamed.
"Don't disturb me during my lunch!" the troll shot back, affecting a mildly irritated expression.
"But," Ilmig cleared his throat, throwing Artamis a glance to be sure she could witness his selfless bravery, "I got plenty o' good meat on me!"
"Uh..." the troll looked confused.
Ilmig continued "I'm fatter then her. You should get me instead!" he suggested with a manic grin.
"YES!" Miriam quickly and selflessly agreed, "He is! Much fatter! "
The troll looked from Miriam, to Ilmig and back again, "Hm... yes you do look pretty tasty..."
Miriam sniffled.
"Yep." Ilmig confirmed, "I'm a tasty bite size treat! Eat me and leave the girl alone!" he beamed.
"No don't eat him either!" Artamis shrieked in a horrified voice.
"Uh... Ilmig..." Sedge tried to interrupt, gingerly holding up a finger to try and get Ilmig's attention.
Gorfin, growing tired of the charade, stepped up and tapped the troll on shoulder again.
The troll spun round, "Yes?! What?? What is it now?!" it yelled, becomingly increasing irate at everyone interrupting it's meal.
"Run along now. This lady is not to be bothered." Gorfin replied sternly, gesturing at Miriam, who was still crying.
"I want my mommy!" the girl sobbed.
"Now why should I listen to you." the troll retorted, putting an arm on its hip and turning fully to look at Gofn. He was decidedly bigger than Gorfin.
"Because that would be a wise thing to do." Gorfin replied evenly.
"Hey, get away from her!" the troll suddenly yelled at Sedge, who had surreptitiously interposed himself between the Troll and Miriam during all the talking.
"No, you get away from her!" Ilmig retorted, squaring up to the troll.
"Ilmig, you are so brave!" Artemis swooned.
"Thanks!" Ilmig beamed.
"Oh you are the hero, I see..." muttered the troll sarcastically.
"I hear trolls are the stupid type." Ilmig said nonchalantly.
"Who called me stupid?!" the troll yelled, "Who was that??"
"Me." Ilmig said flatly.
The troll moved towards him, but Gorfin deftly pulled out his sword and held it flat between the two of them.
The troll gulped, "Flames..."
Ilmig stuck his tongue out.
"Hey... no need for that! I'm a good troll normally!" it said, backing away a little with its hands raised.
Fatofsan gave a deep orcy laugh, "Good troll!! Haw haw haw!! Whuz yooz be good??"
"Can we resolve the situation peacefully? For once?" Gorfin asked with a resigned tone.
"Alreddy not-killed lotza stuff!" protested Novgor.
Wolfwood recoiled, "No bash! Me not wanna get troll bitz on apron! Daz unhygeenik! And dey wiggle! Fink up udda answer!"
"Just why are you searching your food so far from your homeland, troll?" Nathe cut in with a bored tone.
"Well... I kind of got lost.", the troll admitted sheepishly, "Where am I anyway?"
"River valley." Thrar said in a derisive tone.
"Yesss... I can *see* this is a river valley! Which one?!"
"Just outside of Benzor." Gorfin clarified.
"Benzor? Hm... never heard of that..." the troll said with a thoughtful look.
"It's a fine city, just over the flats.", Gorfin gestured West.
"City?! I..." the troll paused, looking a little shocked and confused.
Miriam, noticing no one paying attention to her, decided to try sobbing again.
"Aww, dun worry li'l laydee! Haz diz Meat Suhprize, dat'll make yooz feel betta!" Wolfwood said cheerfully, ambling over to her and patting her on the head gently. Which really wasn't very gently.
Miriam yelped, rubbing her head furiously and throwing the Meat Surprise down the valley into the river, where it bubbled rigorously for a few moments, releasing a small mushroom-cloud of steam before sinking.
"Meanies!" she wailed.
The troll sighed resignedly, looking slightly fearfully at Gorfin's sword, "What do you want me to do, flame man?"
"Youz troll be runnink toda swampies now!" Fatofsan ordered.
"You'll find plenty of deer to eat on the way there." Gorfin assured the troll.
"Meez say kick da trollie butt to da swamp!" Fatofsan said.
"But... I wanna kill kill kill kill kill da trooolll!" Navtor sang.
"Stop scaring the troll!" Ilmig retorted, "He could be good for all you know."
Artamis gave him a slightly confused look, "It should stop scaring me!"
"Uh... riiight... I'll be going then..." the troll said, edging away surreptitiously, deciding he'd had enough of this weird group. No meal was worth this!
"He's away, little girl." Nathe said smoothly, moving to reassure her after the troll hurried down the hill..
"MEANIES!!" the girl shrilled angrily, before kicking Sedge in the shins, pushing him out of the way and running in the opposite direction.
"Owowowowowwwwww....!!!!" Sedge yelled, hopping up and down madly.
"Wow. She was pretty." Ilmig said dreamily.
Artamis glared at him, "No not really. I thought she was quite ugly." she said haughtily, folding her arms and turning her nose up at Ilmig.
"Not as pretty as you though!" Ilmig added quickly, "'Cause you are the prettiest!"
Artamis blushed and smiled at him.
"Awight! All of yooz followz!" Fatofsan bellowed, stomping the rest of the way up the valley into the Eastern Marches.
To be continued...
Eggspress Delivery!
Wolfwood yelped as he accidentally slammed the Oven's door closed into his fingers. The heavy plate oven gloves he wore prevented any real damage, but yet another score-line joined several others.
He hurried out of The Kitchen in a kind of high-speed half-waddle, carrying a large steaming sack, and ran down the corridor towards the Portal chambers.
"Oof! Oi! Watch where ye goin' y' pikin' eejit!" Reylar yelled as the crimson-clad orc barrelled past him, narrowly avoiding a messy collision.
"Sowwy! In rush!" Wolfwood yelled back without stopping.
Upon reaching the Portal chambers, he made a bee-line for one of the many archways, thumped a few runes while balancing the sack over his shoulder and hopped into the swirling vortex that appeared a few minutes later.
Druppi's Demented Dragon
"So I tells the drow to sod off, and he walks right past me!" Andy Lane, one of the guards of Benzor's East Gate complained to his colleague Grag.
Before Grag could answer, there was a 'wop' sound, followed by the sound of someone falling through several trees while cursing loudly.
"What in Serena's name...?" Andy stared, startled. The two of them quickly ran to investigate the small copse of trees just outside the Benzor gates, where they discovered a pile of red armour, inside of which was a stunned and mildly disoriented orc.
"Fankz..." it said as the two of them fished him out.
"Wolfwood? Bah, not you again! Can't you use the temple portal like everyone else?!" Andy groused.
"Naww... 's dangeruz dat wun! Dey put it in wrong... 's upside down!" Wolfwood replied distractedly, checking that none of his stuff was missing.
Andy shook his head with exasperation as the distracted orc dusted himself off and ambled vaguely in the direction of the Benzor River Valley.
-----
As Wolfwood neared the small bridge near the Fletcher's camp, he ran into a small gathering where a young halfling was apparently trying to solicit some sort of help.
"... She is a nice dragon, but like I said, she won't come easily, so you have to be cunning." the halfling, who's name was Druppi Sapplefies, was saying.
Among the group were several orcs, one of which was hanging some sort of spouted pot over a fire. Wolfwood approached them as the others talked with Druppi about his missing dragon.
One of them offered him a mug of some boiled liquid. Wolfwood offered some of his gourmet food in return and turned his attention back to the halfling and the other talkers.
"Where'd you last see her, what does she look like, and what's her name?", asked one of them, Gorfin Be'fer in a matter-of-fact tone.
"Is there a treat or something that she enjoys?" added a halfling standing near him, Sedge Hopscotch.
"Well, she likes food." Druppi suggested vaguely, "She should be just north somewhere."
"Food?? I gotz food!" Wolfwood said to no one in particular. The other orcs looked at him with interest.
One of the group asked what the reward, presumably for finding the dragon mentioned, was.
"Uhm... a thank you?" Druppi replied uncertainly.
The woman, Nathe, gave him a cold look.
Druppi dug through his pockets, "Uh... Well... All I have is 129 gold pieces... that's all I have, but if that can get her back..." he finished with a small sob.
"We don't require payment to find her." Gorfin cut in, returning Nathe her cold look.
"Not?" echoed Druppi.
"Aye - keep your money." confirmed Gorfin.
"That is very very veryveryvery kind, sir!" cried Druppi with relief.
Nathe muttered something under her breath.
"Have you never done anything for the good of it, Nathe?" retorted Gorfin.
Nathe took on a thoughtful look for a second, the shrugged, "I don't believe in the goodness of others. What can I say?"
One of the orc brothers, sporting the uncharacteristically long name of Fatofsan Kag'Barshenat, got up slowly, "Uz have timez fo hobbitbuznizz?" he asked irritably.
"We've got time." Gorfin assured him.
"Thanksthanks!" Drupi gushed, hopping up and down with relief, "Sooooooo, aren't you suppose to be moving?" he added after a few moments of inactivity.
"Dazza a good idea." the other orc, Fatoft Kag'Barshenat added with a mixture of sarcasm and impatience, leaning on his axe.
"Your dragonfly won't flee." Nathe retorted, "We have time." she echoed with a malicious grin.
"Hoo leeding diz hog'n'coney show anywayz?" Wolfwoof piped in.
"We are not all part of the same group..." Sedge observed.
"Dere be a perty 'ere?" yelled a guttural voice in excitement. The newcomer's name was Novgor, another orc!
Wolfwood beamed, "Well we got foor orcz! 'nuff ferra good WAAGH!"
"Werez uz bring da draggy den hmm?" Fatofsan asked gruffly.
"Back to me of course!" Druppi replied with a curious look, "I'll be waiting here... because... uhm... well, it's getting darker, and I uhm..."
"Wait. You're not going to join us?" Nathe asked dangerously.
"Well, I have to stay here and uhm.... take care of the fire." Druppi shrugged lamely.
"Sissy." Nathe hissed.
"C'mon yooz lot!" Wolfwood bellowed impatiently, "Oi yooz," he said, poking Fatoft, "Yooz iz leeda?"
Fatoft shrugged, "Me gez so."
"Awight! Den get too da leedin'! WAAAGH!"
"We better get paid." Nathe said warningly to Druppi as she turned to leave.
"I said you could have my money!" Druppi replied with a sob.
"Just think of the stories we can tell about finding a dragon. Worth much more then petty gold." Gorfin pointed out.
"Stories won't pay my bills." retorted Nathe.
"Dun worry li'l halfin'! We getz draggy back!" Wolfwood declared as he pushed through the forest leading north to the Benzor Hunting Woods.
"Lez git lookin den okayz?" Fatofsan looked back at the others, before following Wolfwood and Fatoft into the forest.
"Could we please be going now and stop wasting time?" Thrar Gren grumbled.
After some confusion, the considerable momentum provided by the orcs eventually got the party moving north into the woods.
-----
Lucille Dalley and Hawkwind were taking a pleasant stroll through the forest, taking in the tranquil surroundings. They arrived at a small clearing, and were deciding which direction to had next when the calm of the forest was shattered in a small explosion of leaves and twigs as a small platoon of orcs burst into the clearing!
"Oi yooz! Seen draggy?" one of them yelled as they ran past without waiting for an answer.
The two of them stared, bewildered frowns, at the retreating orcs as they trampled their way out of the clearing when another voice made them turn around.
"How sorry we are to disturb you two." Nathe said sarcastically as she strolled through the tangled hole the orcs had left leading to the clearing.
"Hmm..." Hawkwind muttered warily.
"Uh, no worries... we were just hunting badgers..." Lucille attempted to explain, feeling inexplicably off-balance.
Nathe chuckled condescendingly, "Of course you were hunting badgers... Barehanded..."
Hawkwind glared at her irritably, "All these people for one dragon?" he retorted.
"BAJAA!" came a yell from the distance, followed by some squeals and splatting noises.
Gorfin shook his head with a tinge of despair and directed the group to catch up with the orcs. Quickly.
-----
"Cor! Izzat da draggy?" Novgor yelled to his fellows.
"DRAGGY? WHEREZ?!" Wolfwood yelled back, running up to him and looking round.
Novgor pointed at the small flitting creature hovering around a small sapling.
Fatoft squinted at the creature, "Too tiny vor be draggy, no?"
Fatofsan Kag'Barshenat agreed, "Yep."
"Bah!" Wolfwood muttered with disgust, "Daz no draggy, daz da teefing fairee! Dun let it teef nunna ya stuff!" he added in a stage whisper to Novgor.
The search degenerated rather rapidly, and soon the party was scattered randomly around the Benzor Hunting Woods.
"OI! WAITUPZ!!" Wolfwood yelled as he lost sight of the last of the party, "Where everywun goez?!" he groused to himself.
Eventually he caught up with the bulk of them. They were standing round several rather sorry-looking bears.
"Where draggy? Me not see nuffink 'scept beerz..." Wolfwood pointed out.
"It's probably around here. Most common of hiding places in these parts." Thrar Gren said in a disinterested tone.
"Oi, 'z any uv yooz a rain-jar?" Wolfwood asked suddenly. The others just looked at him oddly.
"Wot, nunna yooz izza rain-jar??" Wolfwood exclaimed.
"Uh... well... me not have jar vor rain..." Fatoft said slowly, "But yooz can yooz me 'elmet if yoo want..."
"Wot rain-jar? Wot wee need izza trackar!" Fatosfsan pointed out sagely.
"Lets try something else," suggested Nathe, "Now, if you were an annoying, bloody, little fairy dragon, where would you go? Ask yourself that question..."
"I'd do the world a pleasure and would kill myself in a corner." Thrar said sullenly.
Fatofsan, bored of all the talk, ambled off with everyone following him by default. After aggressively and proactively 'defending' themselves from the local bear population, they arrived at another clearing. By now the skies had darkened, but still there was no sign of any dragon.
"Perchance if we cooked some food, the dragon will smell it and come to us?" Gorfin suggested as they considered camping in the clearing until daybreak.
"Maybe." Nathe yawned, "Speaking of food..." she added, her stomach making a low growl.
"Yes, we could have a bite ourselves..." agreed Sedge.
"Dragon is quite tasty." Thrar snickered.
Nathe threw Thrar a disgusted look, "I'm not thinking of eating a dragon..."
"Mez try Durell draggy onze," Fatoft declared as he began building a camp fire, "Tazte yuck."
Fatofsan pulled a tripod of sticks out of his pack and arranged it over the fire, hanging his kettle under it as Fatoft called, "Draggy!!! Herez draggy draggiez!"
"No, we're not eating the dragon, silly!" Gorfin explained tiredly.
"We are nicely returning it because Gorfin says so." Nathe muttered sullenly.
"Whutz wong wit dvagon meetz?" Novgor asked.
"Tazte yuzk." Fatoft repeated.
"We were told she likes food, and I'm sure she has keen senses." Gorfin thought out loud as the orcs built up the fire.
Soon they had a good roast going from some of the bears they'd gotten earlier, suspended beneath Fatofsan's ingenious tripod device. Under the make-shift spit were several blackened coal like objects. Several of them were steaming gently, releasing a... curious... odor.
"Herez draggy draggy!" Fatoftsan called into the night.
"Anywun want sum?" Wolfwood asked the rest of the group as he plucked out some more of his prize produce and placed them around the edges of the fire, "Dey iz much tazty!"
"What ARE they??" Nathe frowned.
"Meat Suhprizez!"
"Meat?" Nathe frowned even more.
Wolfwood 'Hmph'ed to himself, seeing her expression, "Nudda wun uv dem weirdo 'air-diet' wunz I bet." he muttered quietly.
While he was waiting for his tea kettle to boil, Fatofsan's nose suddenly twitched. He looked up at the other entrance to the clearing, "Well look wot we got 'ere!" he hissed.
Looking at them cautiously was an electric-blue pseudo dragon. More correctly, it was looking at the meat roasting on the fire, its nose twitching at the scent.
"Cor!! 'sa li'l draggy!" Wolfwood exclaimed, standing up.
"Dun juz stand dere!!" Fatofsan yelled, and immediately the clearing exploded into a flurry of activity. People tripped over each other as they scrambled to their feet and ran at the dragon.
With a startled hiss, the dragon turned tail and sped off into the night!
"There it goes..." Sedge noted with a sigh.
The rest of them sprinted after the dragon, armour clanking alarmingly.
"Here li'l draggy!!" Wolfwood yelled, waving a Meat Surprise around as he failed miserable to keep up with the others.
After flying out into the more open areas of the Benzor Hunting Wood, the dragon suddenly swerved left behind a particularly dense section of forest. Although none of them realised it, the blue dragon had led them to a large cluster of trees, and was now leading the party on a merry chase in circles around the large group of trees!
After about 5 laps, Wolfwood stopped his pursuit. He leaned forward, hands on his knees as he wheezily tried to get his breath back.
-----
The dragon looked back at it's foolish pursuers, snickering as it turned to begin it's 6th lap when *BOINK*.
"WAGH!"
The stunned dragon's serpentine neck waved around a little before it shook its head to clear the cobwebs. Quickly regaining its bearings, it searched for the object it'd collided with. Sitting in front of it was a crimson-clad orc, rubbing its head. Bits of Meat Surprise were scattered on and around him along with a half opened sack.
The dragon looked around gleefully and darted for one of the larger pieces.
After a cursory examination, it snapped the coal-like lump into the air and caught it, crunching it down triumphantly.
"Dere it iz!"
The rest of the party, led by Fatofsan, had finally caught up and quickly spied the miniature dragon.
It whipped it's head round to see what the noise was, and hissed at them again before beating its wings to take off.
However, Fatofsan was quick this time and managed to grab the base of its tail!
"I gotz it!!", he roared triumphantly, but his victory was short-lived...
Despite his bulk, the dragon somehow managed to continue flying and Fatofsan found himself being dragged along behind it!! He refused to let go and held on for dear life, but with glee the dragon began thwapping him in the face repeatedly with the free end of its tail until he was forced to let go!
With a roar, Fatofsan ran blindly into an old sturdy oak tree, their meeting heralded by a loud thud and a shower of leaves and angry squirrels.
Nathe rolled her eyes and stepped past the mildly stunned orc, holding out her hands as she approached the dragon.
"Shhhh..." she whispered soothingly, moving toward the dragon slowly.
"Great we found it, now can we take it back?" Thrar stamped impatiently.
Nathe flashed him a rude gesture, then resumed her attempts to coax the dragon closer. It looked at her dubiously.
Suddenly it squeaked, happily?, and darted past Nathe!
Sedge and Gorfin, who had been laboriously dragging Wolfwood from where he'd been knocked over, dropped the grumbling orc and dived out of the way as the pseudo dragon landed on Wolfwood's back and started pecking at the fragments of half-cooked Meat Surprise that were stuck all over his full-plate apron!
*dink!* *dink!* *dink!*
"Awg! Iz peckin' me!!" yelled Wolfwood. He rolled over, but the dragon hopped into the air and landed on his chest. With another squeal of glee, it began pecking at the fresh serving of Meat Surprise fragments now exposed!
Nathe looked at the two of them, throwing her arms up with an exasperated sigh.
"Huz uz know thiz be right draggy?" Novgor asked, as Wolfwood struggled to his feet and started flailing at the dragon, which snapped at the remaining bits of Meat Surprises in between dodging his clumsy swings.
"Corz it be right draggy!! Wot uva draggy dere beez??!" Wolfwood yelled back.
"Youz come wiv uz now!" Fatofsan ordered the dragon, warily keeping his distance this time.
"Well, I've got plenty of rations on me, so maybe I can lead a trail back to her master..." Gorfin suggested, regarding the orc in his loosing battle with the dragon, "Unless she'll follow us anyway."
"Lez go... draggy iz ztill hungry now!" Fatofsan said impatiently.
"Awwwg! Shuddupz an' stoppit frum peckin' meee!" Wolfwood yelled at them. The dragon was now perched on his head, happily pecking away at his helmet and shoulders. The massive plates that protected Wolfwood's torso and shoulders from the heat and exploding ovens of his kitchen made it very difficult for him to reach up to swat at the dragon.
Nathe sighed again, "Your master is searching you." she called to the dragon on a bored tone.
"We have to bring you back." Thrar added unnecessarily.
The dragon stopped pecking at Wolfwood and looked lazily at Nathe.
"So you'll have to follow us." Nathe added, giving the dragon a concentrated stare.
The dragon tilted its head to one side and eyed her suspiciously but didn't move.
"Just keep moving, Kazarn, back to the flats." Gorfin said slowly.
Wolfwood gingerly took a step, and the dragon remained attached to his helmet.
The group slowly began moving back towards the Flats, then all of a sudden Fatofsan rushed Wolfwood and the dragon!
"AHA!" he cried triumphantly as he made another grab at the dragon!
This time he wrapped it's arms round it so it couldn't fly away, but with an angry squeak the dragon exhaled a storm of ionising plasma right into Fatofsan's face, breaking free easily in the confusion and flying off again!
"Oi! Stop dat! Yooz eejitz!" Wolfwood yelled, bashing Fatofsan over the head with his number 2 meat mallet, "Bah! Yooz lot iz fick! Stop chasin' da draggy!"
"Draggy gittink ztezz diz way!" Fatoft yelled, chasing after it.
"We almost had her, but Kazarn blew it." Gorfin groused with disgust.
"MEE?!" Wolfwood yelled incredulously.
They ran after the dragon anyway, and eventually managed to corner it at the base of a small hillock.
"May I?" Gorfin asked Wolfwood, keeping one eye on the dragon.
Wolfwood shrugged and gave Gorfin one of his many food sacks.
Gorfin gingerly took a step forwards, never taking his eyes off the hissing dragon, and emptied the sack onto the ground.
"WAGH! Wayazdooin?!" Wolfwood exclaimed in horror and lurched forwards. Fatoft and Fatofsan managed to grab each of his arms and pulled him back forcefully.
The dragon immediately stopped hissing, and sniffed at the offering. With a delighted squeak it hopped over and nudged one of them. It was about to eat it when the Pixie they'd seen earlier swooped out of nowhere and grabbed it!
The dragon hissed angrily, taking a pot-shot with its lightning breath but the fairy managed to skittle out of the way!
"Oi! Demz not for yooz!" Wolfwood yelled angrily, catching the fairy after it dodged, as it struggled to gain altitude while holding the heavy charred lump of meat. Holding it by its wings, Wolfwood gave it a good kick and sent it sailing off into the tree canopy, "Food feef!!"
"Oi, gimme summa dem." Fatoft nudged Wolfwood. Wolfwood handed another sack over.
Fatoft waved it in the air, and the dragon, having already finished the other set, flew up and landed on Fatoft's shoulder, greedily snatching the lump from his hand.
"Lead her slowly to the flats - keep feeding her." Gorfin said tightly.
"And I thought dragon-fairies were intelligent creatures... all they care about is food." Nathe mumbled with disgust as they slowly made their way back to the Benzor Flats, trailing coal-like crumbs, high pitched squeals and loud crunching sounds.
-----
"There you are!!" Druppi Sapplefies exclaimed as the party emerged from the woods.
"Uz vind draggy." Fatoft said, indicating the noticeably fatter dragon perched on his broad shoulders.
"Yep." Fatofsan confirmed, keeping a minimum distance from it, his features still twitching a little from the lightning bolt he'd caught in the face.
Fatoft gently lifted the full and sleepy dragon off his shoulder and gently handed it to Druppi.
"Thanks!" Druppi cried happily. His nose twitched, "But what's that smell? Phew..."
The dragon gave Druppi a friendly peck, then yawned and hopped onto the ground.
Nathe took the opportunity to step boldly up to the halfling as he patted his reunited companion, "The 129 gold pieces." she demanded, holding out her hand.
Gorfin pushed her hand away quickly, "Excuse my companion," he said hurriedly, throwing Nathe a glare, "Fair tidings to you!"
Druppi looked to both of them, a little worriedly, "Uh... thanks!". He then turned back to his dragon, "Let's go!" he said to it, and the two of them headed back to Benzor.
Nathe gave Gorfin a furious glare, then stomped off to the East.
"Now don't you feel nice and warm inside, Nathe?" Gorfin asked.
"All I can feel is coldness." she retorted bitterly.
"Aww, well havzum of deez! Dey'll keep yooz warm!" Wolfwood said happily, offering Nathe a sack of Meat Surprises. She threw her hands up in exasperation again and stormed off.
"Wow...two adventures in one...!" Sedge muttered to himself, but little did he know...
Barmy Bandits
"Wot yooz lot doin' anywayz?" Wolfwood asked his fellow orcs as the party moved East.
"We deelivarin' deez eggz ta Brozna!" Fatoft said, taking a heavily padded bundle out of his pack and showing it to Wolfwood.
"Wot kinda eggz iz dey? Eatable wunz?"
"Dunno."
As they neared Richard Uther's tavern, the 'Badger, Wolfwood spotted some people he recognised gathered outside.
"Hullowz Bloo!" he called, waving.
Blue looked up, "Hello..." she said warily. She eyed the orc, a list of excuses immediately springing into her mind should he try and sell her any more of those infernal Meat Surprises!
"Hello!" a young girl cried, skipping up to the group.
"Ooooh, hullowz Arty-miss!" Wolfwood replied with a toothy grin.
"Hullo Kaza-miss!", the girl, Artamis Genereth giggled.
"Me not miss! Me orc!" Wolfwood corrected her, "Yooz hungree yet? Me still got sum Meat Suhprizez!" he beamed.
"EEW! GROSS!!" Artamis shrieked, she covered her mouth, "Ooh I'm sorry... I didn't mean... uh..." she thought hard, "Um, I'm on a diet!"
"C'mon! Lez goez!" Fatofsan said impatiently.
"Ya... We see yooz layta Bloo-an-arty-miss!" Wolfwood waved.
"Wait!" Atramis called back, "Where are you going?"
"We on deelivaree! We take egg fingz to Brozna!"
"Uz get pay all large amount goldiez iv deliver in pieze!" Fatoft added.
"So I could buy like, diamonds?" the girl asked, her eyes sparkling.
"Uh... maybe..." Fatoft said, shutting one eye and rolling the other up as he tried to think.
"WOW! Can I come? Pretty please?" Artamis said, giving them her most charming smile, which of course had no effect on the orcs what-so ever.
"I can't see why the elf-kid can't come." Nathe shrugged nonchalantly.
"Me not care, lez go before eggz goez!" Fatoft grunted.
"Onwaaaasaaaz.... MARCHEZ!" Wolfwood hollered, and the group moved off, now with Artemis and her friend Ilmig in tow.
-----
The journey through to the River Valley was fairly uneventful, but once there the usual goblin raiders attacked the party once or twice. They were no match for the crazy elf children, never mind the fighters and orcs.
As they neared the bridge that spanned the Benzor River however, there was an unexpected encounter...
"Hahaha!"
"What was that??" Ilmig exclaimed at the unseen voice. As he looked round, and man clad in velvet black appeared, seemingly out of nowhere, and brandished a dagger, "Walked straight into our trap! Tott!"
The party paused expectantly.
"Tott?" the man called again, "TOTT??"
Eventually, another similarly clad woman appeared too, blinking, "Yes yes, I'm here Knoll! Ahh, our trap worked?"
"Yes, our trap worked!" the man known as Knoll confirmed triumphantly.
"We have them good now, eh!" Tott grinned.
"Yeah! Now," he said, turning to look back at them, "Just give us your money, and we will let you go."
"Aye! Give us your cash and no one will get harmed!" Tott confirmed, waving her dagger about dangerously.
The party looked at each other, then back at the two would-be muggers.
Nathe started sniggering, while Wolfwood was trying to make a head count.
Sedge snickered, "The mean looking one has all the money." he managed to guffaw, indicating Fatofsan.
Fatofsan gave them a maliciously toothy grin.
"The mean looking...?" Knoll furrowed his brow.
"How about this -- Just give us *your* money, and we'll let you live." suggested Gorfin.
"I could take both of ya on!" Ilmig said pluckily.
"Ilmig, our hero!!" Artamis swooned.
"Now lay off!" Ilmig finished, throwing Artamis a winning smile.
Tott 'hrmphed', "Go away you tiny little rat." she said disdainfully.
Artamis ran up to her, "Don't call him that! Take it back!!" she shrieked and kicked Tott in the shin.
"OW!!" Tott hopped on one leg, holding her bruised shin, "Little damned... OW! OWOWOWOW!!!"
Tott clutched both her shins as Ilmig stepped back, he and Artamis both having a smug grin on their faces.
"Look, we are the most dangerous thieves in the land, so cough it up! I'll kill the fat red one if you don't give us your money!" Knoll insisted, pointing at Wolfwood with his dagger.
"MEE?! Wot me dun?!?? Me juz da chef!!" Wolfwood protested.
"He's the chief? Even better!" Tott cackled.
"NAW! I sed CHEF! And I ain't fat eeva!"
"Yes... when he is dead, they will understand!" Knoll cackled with certainty, "Let us get the fat one, Tott, show them what we can do!"
"Say your last words!!" said Tott, twirling her dagger.
"GET HIM!!"
"WAAGH! HELPZ!" Wolfwood yelled as the two of them jumped on him. Knoll's dagger didn't pierce the thick apron, but Wolfwood fell over and knocked himself out. Again.
"Oi!" Novgor yelled, "Youz no attack 'im!"
Knoll laughed, "NOW you see how dangerous we are!"
"Yeah, so pay up!" Tott added.
The others got into a sparring of words with the two would-be robbers.
Gorfin nudged Wolfwood with his boot, "Alright Kazarn, stop playing dead -- we have things to do." He said warily.
After several nudges, the orc stirred, "Oi! Stop dat! I iz suppozed to be ded! Diz how yooz treet ded hummiez?? Daz diz-crimmy-nation dat iz!" Wolfwood hissed back at him.
-----
"Hmph, I see you're still not convinced." Knoll said angrily, "Tott... who is next to die?"
"Oh I don't know! I'm hungry... any one of them will do, it hardly matters now!" Tott retorted sullenly.
"Amateurs..." Thrar muttered under his breath.
"Hungry?" Knoll asked, lowering his dagger, "Oh... well... Maybe we should get something to eat instead?"
"Yea...I think we deserve a lunch break..." Tott agreed.
The others just stared at them.
Behind them, Wolfwood twitched, then somehow went from being prone to standing fully upright!
"Did me heer sumwun say dey iz HUNGREE??" he cried delightedly.
"Them! It was them!!!" Artamis shrieked, pointing an accusing finger at Knoll and Tott with a panicky look.
Wolfwood beamed widely, "Well diz yooz lukky day! I got slap up deel for yooz!" he said, giving them a two-eyed wink.
The others groaned and backed away.
"Aye?" Tott asked, her curiosity piqued.
"Yup! For da low low prize uv 1 gold bit, yooz can buy a Meat Suhprize! It da bestezt gore-may food yooz eva tazted, will keep yooz full for aaagez! An' today I got speshul.. a free for sum offa! Ain't datta good deel?"
"Uh... yes... I think so..." Knoll managed, taken aback by Wolfwood's sales pitch.
"Sounds wonderful!" Tott said delightedly, "I'll have three!"
"Uh... so will I then!" Knoll added quickly.
Wolfwood handed over a sack each.
"Hm... what kind of food is this anyway?" Knoll asked warily, giving his bag an experimental sniff.
Thrar laughed bitterly, "Not the kind of food you want to tast-OW!"
Nathe stamped on his foot, "-waste!" she corrected, giving Tott and Knoll a sweet smile.
"Let us go and have a ale in the badger, Tott." Knoll said, looking at his new prize with anticipation, and with that the two of them stuck west.
"Nudda satisfied cuztomaz!" Wolfwood said contentedly.
"Riigght... can we go now before they come back asking for refunds?" Nathe retorted, rolling her eyes.
"I hope they choke. Worst attempt at robbery ever!" groused Thrar as they resumed their journey.
Trolling for Food
With the bandits 'paid off', the party crossed the bridge and made their way towards the other side of the valley.
After some minor skirmishes with the local orc tribe, they began to climb the gentle slope that led toward the Eastern March. About half-way up, they heard a piercing scream!
Further up the hill, there was a young girl, her back against a large menhir/standing stone, and towering over here was a slimy green troll!
"Lets go!" Sedge yelled and the party ran up to encircle the two of them.
-----
"Issa TROLL!" Wolfwood observed unnecessarily.
Artamis grabbed Ilmig and hid behind him, "I'm scared!" she wailed petulantly.
Ilmig gave her a winning smile, "I'll sort this out!". He stepped boldly up to the troll and tapped it on its shoulder. Or at least he would have if he was taller. Instead he settled for tapping it on the back of it's leg.
"Now then, no use struggling! Just prep... what? Yes?" the troll, caught by surprise, turned to look at who, or what, was tapping on his leg.
Ilmig cleared his throat, "Can you not be so scary?"
Gorfin rolled his eyes, "Is this troll bothering you, m'lady?" he asked politely.
The girl, who's name turned out to be Miriam, looked at him incredulously, "He is going to eat me!" she screamed.
"Don't disturb me during my lunch!" the troll shot back, affecting a mildly irritated expression.
"But," Ilmig cleared his throat, throwing Artamis a glance to be sure she could witness his selfless bravery, "I got plenty o' good meat on me!"
"Uh..." the troll looked confused.
Ilmig continued "I'm fatter then her. You should get me instead!" he suggested with a manic grin.
"YES!" Miriam quickly and selflessly agreed, "He is! Much fatter! "
The troll looked from Miriam, to Ilmig and back again, "Hm... yes you do look pretty tasty..."
Miriam sniffled.
"Yep." Ilmig confirmed, "I'm a tasty bite size treat! Eat me and leave the girl alone!" he beamed.
"No don't eat him either!" Artamis shrieked in a horrified voice.
"Uh... Ilmig..." Sedge tried to interrupt, gingerly holding up a finger to try and get Ilmig's attention.
Gorfin, growing tired of the charade, stepped up and tapped the troll on shoulder again.
The troll spun round, "Yes?! What?? What is it now?!" it yelled, becomingly increasing irate at everyone interrupting it's meal.
"Run along now. This lady is not to be bothered." Gorfin replied sternly, gesturing at Miriam, who was still crying.
"I want my mommy!" the girl sobbed.
"Now why should I listen to you." the troll retorted, putting an arm on its hip and turning fully to look at Gofn. He was decidedly bigger than Gorfin.
"Because that would be a wise thing to do." Gorfin replied evenly.
"Hey, get away from her!" the troll suddenly yelled at Sedge, who had surreptitiously interposed himself between the Troll and Miriam during all the talking.
"No, you get away from her!" Ilmig retorted, squaring up to the troll.
"Ilmig, you are so brave!" Artemis swooned.
"Thanks!" Ilmig beamed.
"Oh you are the hero, I see..." muttered the troll sarcastically.
"I hear trolls are the stupid type." Ilmig said nonchalantly.
"Who called me stupid?!" the troll yelled, "Who was that??"
"Me." Ilmig said flatly.
The troll moved towards him, but Gorfin deftly pulled out his sword and held it flat between the two of them.
The troll gulped, "Flames..."
Ilmig stuck his tongue out.
"Hey... no need for that! I'm a good troll normally!" it said, backing away a little with its hands raised.
Fatofsan gave a deep orcy laugh, "Good troll!! Haw haw haw!! Whuz yooz be good??"
"Can we resolve the situation peacefully? For once?" Gorfin asked with a resigned tone.
"Alreddy not-killed lotza stuff!" protested Novgor.
Wolfwood recoiled, "No bash! Me not wanna get troll bitz on apron! Daz unhygeenik! And dey wiggle! Fink up udda answer!"
"Just why are you searching your food so far from your homeland, troll?" Nathe cut in with a bored tone.
"Well... I kind of got lost.", the troll admitted sheepishly, "Where am I anyway?"
"River valley." Thrar said in a derisive tone.
"Yesss... I can *see* this is a river valley! Which one?!"
"Just outside of Benzor." Gorfin clarified.
"Benzor? Hm... never heard of that..." the troll said with a thoughtful look.
"It's a fine city, just over the flats.", Gorfin gestured West.
"City?! I..." the troll paused, looking a little shocked and confused.
Miriam, noticing no one paying attention to her, decided to try sobbing again.
"Aww, dun worry li'l laydee! Haz diz Meat Suhprize, dat'll make yooz feel betta!" Wolfwood said cheerfully, ambling over to her and patting her on the head gently. Which really wasn't very gently.
Miriam yelped, rubbing her head furiously and throwing the Meat Surprise down the valley into the river, where it bubbled rigorously for a few moments, releasing a small mushroom-cloud of steam before sinking.
"Meanies!" she wailed.
The troll sighed resignedly, looking slightly fearfully at Gorfin's sword, "What do you want me to do, flame man?"
"Youz troll be runnink toda swampies now!" Fatofsan ordered.
"You'll find plenty of deer to eat on the way there." Gorfin assured the troll.
"Meez say kick da trollie butt to da swamp!" Fatofsan said.
"But... I wanna kill kill kill kill kill da trooolll!" Navtor sang.
"Stop scaring the troll!" Ilmig retorted, "He could be good for all you know."
Artamis gave him a slightly confused look, "It should stop scaring me!"
"Uh... riiight... I'll be going then..." the troll said, edging away surreptitiously, deciding he'd had enough of this weird group. No meal was worth this!
"He's away, little girl." Nathe said smoothly, moving to reassure her after the troll hurried down the hill..
"MEANIES!!" the girl shrilled angrily, before kicking Sedge in the shins, pushing him out of the way and running in the opposite direction.
"Owowowowowwwwww....!!!!" Sedge yelled, hopping up and down madly.
"Wow. She was pretty." Ilmig said dreamily.
Artamis glared at him, "No not really. I thought she was quite ugly." she said haughtily, folding her arms and turning her nose up at Ilmig.
"Not as pretty as you though!" Ilmig added quickly, "'Cause you are the prettiest!"
Artamis blushed and smiled at him.
"Awight! All of yooz followz!" Fatofsan bellowed, stomping the rest of the way up the valley into the Eastern Marches.
To be continued...